So the majority of you who are reading this probably know that my man of nearly 7 years, Mike, is sitting in Wayne County Dickerson Correctional Facility. He has been gone for over 2 months, maybe more (the days blend together!). At first I just didn't feel like talking about it because EVERYONE wanted to know, and to understand fully it kind of is a long story. I may be cracking jokes about it, but that is my way of keeping it together so I don't go into full meltdown mode (believe me, I have, and it isn't pretty!) It is a very tough situation, and mostly, I think it is unfair.
Now to understand M, you should know that when I met him, he was a full blown partier. He was in a pretty popular local band (a lead singer, nonetheless), and he enjoyed his booze, drugs and women. Partly I know now that it was all a act to cover a deeply painful childhood and youth (I won't get into that..it's too private). I was big on the IDGAF stage, so really, I thought we would hook up, have some fun, and leave it at that. Little did we know that from the very night we met, we would stay hooked to eachother's side for every day for the next 6 and a half years!
Now don't get me wrong, we have had our share of troubles. There have been moments I have doubted him, thought I would end it, etc. Getting pregnant with Spence definently tested our strength, but here we are still in love that meets no ends. We were truly meant to be, I think. We speak our own private language, finish eachother's thoughts, share a sick morbid sense of humor, and neither one of us has ever asked the other to change themselves or their beliefs and hobbies.
So M never had the cleanest record, but none of it is anything major. We knew he had 2 traffic tickets from back in the late 90's he needed to pay for, and back child support due to the fact he wasn't established legally as father to the child til later in the kid's life. He really didnt care about himself or anything else for a long time, and here we are now, he is cleaned up, a family man and a health nut, but he was somewhat scared what would happen to him (would he lose Spencer if he got thrown in jail?) if he turned himself over to start cleaning his record up. Also, I can't say we have ever been financially able to pay for it. We have struggled with just paying rent and NEVER have any cash. I know that is no excuse and I don't excuse him from not taking care of his legal woes, but the other part of me understands the fear of the legal system and the fear of the unknown.
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We had just purchased a car a few days before he was arrested. The paperwork was done in-house at the dealership, and everything was legal. I transferred my old plate to my new car.
On the Friday evening he was arrested, we (me, M and Spence) drove about 6 miles down from our house to visit with friends. We left around 9, made a stop at Tim Horton's for donuts and iced coffees, and headed home. Next thing ya know, lights are flashing, telling us to pull over. My plate still came up as Pontiac Sunfire, not my Mercury.
Spencer is crying because he was scared, I am digging through my wallet and glovebox to find the correct paperwork. I hand it to M to hand to the officer, and without even looking at it he tells M to get out of the car. My heart sank. They didnt ask him his name, tell me what was going on, and on top of that they impound my car because they claim it had an improper plate! (Although Monday when I went to get it out and get my plate back, the Detective said "Why didn't you just show this to the officer, you wouldnt have been impounded!..Assholes!)
Although I must say, the absolute WORST was when the cop hauled M out of the car and said loudly, "Yer ass is going to JAIL." That made Spencer just lose it. How is that okay to say in front of a kid?? I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to piss these obviously asshole cops to wanting to arrest me and take my kid. So sadly, off M went and I was left with my kid on the corner of the road.
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Turns out, he was arrested on Domestic Violence. Back in 1999, he and his ex (with whom I am friends with and have heard the whole story about it in the past, so I know it is the truth) got into a fight. She came home completely drunk out of her mind and picked a fight about something silly. She ran out the front door to get into her car and leave and M ran after her, restrained her and tried to take her keys. She hauled around and punched him, the neighbors call the cops, and both of them get arrested and charged with attempted DV and get probation and anger management classes. This is back in 1999. In 2002, the city they were charged in merged with another city and people started to complain court paperwork from both cities were being screwed up. We were driving in one of those cities the night he was arrested. And apparently the ADV case showed as their being a warrant for his arrest for not completing the requirements.
After research on my end and some of his family, we did find out it WAS all completed like M claimed. But the judge just didnt care. It's a very "white upper class" city and freaks like us are treated like vermin. Really truly. This town actually had a rule that people of color had to be out of the town by sundown. So yeah.
M also ran into an old buddy who was a city detective. He was able to get the prosecutor to recommend probation since the judge wouldn't pull the old paper files to read what was done back in 1999. His ex was unreachable, and he had plenty of character references to stand up for him. But the judge looked at his long hair, tattoos, and told him he didn't look like a person who cared very much and ordered jailtime, despite the decent recommendation from the prosecutor and the probation department. He made it seem that M beat the crap out of his ex and she was a helpless victim. Not so. Imagine Courtney Love with some bulky muscle mass. That is her. I was told before court that if I tried to contact her I would go to jail. The court couldnt find her. I imagine if she would have been there to clear things up it would have ended differently. This judge discriminated against him in a big way, and as soon as his sentence is up He and I will try to find a way to complain or seek justice.
So M was in jail for Spencer's 4th birthday, Easter and now Mother's Day. He was working and since now he can't, I have exactly one more check of unemployment benefits before I have nothing left. I have had M tell me to sell his music equipment, and his so-called "band friends" have taken to stealing some of it from me! M's daughter has been up from FL, and M's family decided I shouldn't be allowed to see her despite the fact she calls me her stepmom. I am so stressed I have quit eating, just drink caffeine and pop my pills. I know he won't be gone forever, but I really underestimated how much he did for our family, how much he truly gave up and does for our love. He really is a hands on father and Spencer misses him desperately. I havent slept alone in nearly 7 years and it is very unsettling. Some people tell me to just move on with my life and don't worry about him, but to both me and him, we are practically married. He is my other half. He brings in money, takes care of Spencer, looks out for me, rubs my neck when I wake up and can't move, kills spiders, runs hot baths for me and overall takes care of his family. My heart hurts for what he must be going through and what my son must be going through. Detroit jails are definently on the very shitty side (although what jail isn't?).
To make matters worse, while tomorrow is his release date, because he was on a payment plan with Friend of the Court and has missed payments due to being incarcerated (I am so broke without his income I couldnt make payments for him), a warrant has gone out again for him on that. So it is up in the air if that county decides to come and pick him up.
I have gone through all the emotions. Yes I am angry that he didn't clean these things up sooner. No I don't think he deserved jail in this case. He didn't even know this was on his record, he thought it was taken care of! I am angry at our legal system. I am sad that he has to live in such dirty squalor conditions. I hate that I am so stressed out that I can't function some days. I am angry about all the people screwing me over or just in general are being assholes about it. I am even more angry that instead of calling me and checking on him or me and the baby, M's family chooses to gossip amongst eachother and make up untrue stories. Last I heard from an aunt, M pulled a knife out on me and cut my breaklines. Umm..wtf? I hate that when he calls from jail and asks if his family has called, I have to lie and say yes. I also hate that when I do see him/talk to him, I can't cry on his shoulder about all my woes. He is my rock and my ear and my strength on some ocassions, but I can't let him sit in there and worry about the fact that our "new" car is falling apart or that his friends are stealing our shit. I am sick of having to be strong when I just want to punch a wall or cry in my pillow. Overall, I AM PISSED THE FUCK OFF.
But at the same time, I want to be real and open and honest about this all. I feel when stuff like this happens, it is such a taboo to talk about it. M is not a criminal. He did not rape, murder, steal or get sent to an actual prison. I am not ashamed of him. And I find it cathartic to post things and make jokes and laugh about some things because it is a good way to help me work through what I feel and even have a well deserved laugh. I know some of you may find it in bad taste that I am even talking about this. I am not posting to get any sympathy, but like I said, you guys need to stand in for my rock, and every one of you know that I am not one to sugar coat anything. I like to be raw, real and honest about my life. I may not want to be strong, but I know I AM a strong, fierce woman who can handle anything. I also know that things will be okay :)
....I just can't help how delishiously white trash my life can be at some times...ha ha ha.
So there ya have it. If anyone is curious about anything, feel free to ask. This is all new to me as well, and maybe my learning experience can help someone else out.
And PS: I am sorry this is so damn long. Congrats to you for reading this whole damn thing! That is one thing I will warn you about, when I do get my lazy ass to post an entry, I can go on forever and ever <3
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